CANIS ID DEVORAVIT:
THE CLASSICAL STUDIES STUDENT EXCUSE PAD
(You may print these up to make a student
excuse pad. To add excuses to this page, please send an email to the address
below.)
THE CLASSICAL STUDIES STUDENTS’
EXCUSE PAD.
(PLEASE CHECK ALL THAT APPLY AND LEAVE MESSAGE BELOW.)
_____ THE BARBARIANS BURNED MY HOMEWORK.
_____ I WROTE IT IN THE IONIC DIALECT, BUT YOU WANTED ATTIC.
_____ HERMES STOLE MY HOMEWORK.
_____ THE BARBARIANS PILLAGED MY HOMEWORK.
_____ THE MUSES ARE MAD AT ME, SO I COULDN’T FINISH THE PAPER.
_____ THE BARBARIANS RAPED MY HOMEWORK.
_____ I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE COULD TURN IT IN ON VI KAL. NOV.
MMIV.
_____I WAS ROWING A TRIREME AND COULDN’T COME TO CLASS.
_____ MY MEN TIED ME TO THE MAST AND FILLED MY EARS WITH WAX.
_____DIKAIOPOLIS PUT A BIG STONE ON MY HOMEWORK, AND I AM UNABLE TO
LIFT IT.
_____ YOU ARE SO KALOS K’AGATHOS THAT I COULDN’T CONCENTRATE
ON MY HOMEWORK.
_____I STAYED OUT TOO LATE AT THE SYMPOSIUM.
_____ ZEUS LASHED ME TO A SPINNING WHEEL FOR TRYING TO SEDUCE HERA.
_____ AN HETAIRA SOLD MY HOMEWORK.
_____ A CINAEDUS BEFOULED MY HOMEWORK.
_____ A GLADIATOR KILLED MY HOMEWORK.
_____ CIRCE TURNED MY HOMEWORK INTO A PIG
And a few from Jasmine Merced (added March 6, 2006):
_____Penelope unraveled my homework.
_____Clymenestra murdered my homework.
_____Agamemnon dishonored my homework. It’s sulking and won’t come
out.
_____Hades abducted my homework.
_____Autolycus stole my homework.
_____Maenads tore my homework to shreds.
_____Aphrodite gave my homework to Paris.
_____Once Socrates made me realize that I didn’t know what the essence
of homework was, I didn’t know how to do it.
_____Cerberus ate my homework.
And from JAMES COVINGTON, after reading PROMETHEUS BOUND:
______ A mountain fell on my homework.
______ I got pinned to a crag.
______ I was chased by a gadfly all weekend, sorry.
THE MUSES VISITED JORDAN SHUMAKER late one night in 2007 and
this is the result:
______ I was too busy holding up the heavens to do my homework.
______ Apollo was chasing me all weekend, then I turned into a tree.
It’s hard to hold a pencil with twigs for fingers.
______ Phaeton burned my homework.
______ Oedipus blinded my homework.
______ I left my homework in Pompeii, and now it’s preserved in a
museum exhibit. You can go read it in Naples.
______ Medusa turned my homework into stone.
______ Narcissus was supposed to help me with my psychology paper,
but he was a bit too preoccupied.
______ Diana sicced scores of hunting dogs on my homework.
______ Hector dragged my homework behind his chariot, and now it’s
all torn up.
______ Paris shot my homework in the heel.
______ Aeneas left my homework in the underworld.
______ The winds of Aeolus carried off my homework.
______ Brutus and Cassius stabbed my homework.
OUR MAN AFAR OFF, TRISTAN JOHNSON, REPORTS IN WITH THE FOLLOWING
GEM (MMVII):
______ What do you mean you can’t read it? It’s in Tironian Shorthand!
______ Sorry! I was flying too close to the sun and it melted! (Blasted
wax tablets)
______ Yesterday I had a great omen! An eagle swooped down from the
Capitoline and stole it! (Watch out, give me a 0 and you’ll be struck by
lightning)
______ I swapped my homework-doing slave for a flute girl.
______ By doing homework, I would be admiting that I know something
when I know nothing.
TANYA SZAFRANSKI SENT THIS ONE ALL THE WAY FROM OKLAHOMA (10/05/07):
______ My wax tablet melted on the way to class.
AND FROM THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN FASTNESS WE GET TRACEY LANE, WEIGHING
IN WITH:
______ Hephaestus played a joke on me, and, well, my homework is now
in a nice little pile of ashes.
To submit more excuses to this page, send email to the Excuse
Magister, who reserves the right not to use them.